From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
One of my daughter`s wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner`s manual!" her husband shouted."I can`t find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box."Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner`s manual is burnt to a crisp."
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He`s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"Aghast with confusion and knowing he can`t lie the man replies, "Well, that`s true I don`t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn`t eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole. "Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there`s not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic." Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole`s head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole`s head, "now you are a Catholic!"Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole`s yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"
Ice Cream Knock KnocksKnock! Knock!Who`s there?Ice cream!Ice cream who?Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!Knock! Knock!Who`s there?Ice cream soda!Ice cream soda who?ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME...Knock KnockWho`s there?Ice cream!Ice cream who?Ice cream of Jeannie!